To The One Writing (And Others),
I see you. I see the fear and the weight of it all writhing on your shoulders. I see how frustrated and weary and angry you are at the injustice of effort not being met yet. I see the heaviness of hope deferred.
I also see that you are not letting the fear hold you down. I see that you are the bravest, strongest, most incredible person I know - because anyone else going through how much you have gone through, by statistics would likely have killed themselves by now. Instead you get up, countless night after countless night of more hours battling when most can truly rest, and you choose to pick up that fear and carry on. You choose life no matter how dark it gets. You choose life no matter not knowing when this is going to end, if it will end at all. You choose faith over everything that keeps failing and not coming through. There is truly nothing and no one braver that I have known.
I want you to not look back. Do not look back at the years, the grief of suffering, of life lost to this. Do not look forward to what is not yet come or done. Instead look now, to how you are facing everything head on. You are not backing out. You are not giving up, giving in, or even going backwards. The fact that you are struggling is the sign of a warrior who has been through hell and back and is still choosing to walk through the fire instead of ending it all. You are daring to believe that every second spent fighting is still getting you there, because it is and it already has. You are more than the suffering you have endured, more than the losses counted against you, and more than what you think you are because of the battle that has marked you.
You are not quitting. That is more than most could ever do with what you have been given. I think the way you hold it all is beyond a definition of beautiful. It is beyond any definition that can be defined. It is outside this realm of the physical, mental, and emotional. It is so real and yet not truly able to be known or explained. That is why the frustration and inability to show this is exhausting, but the rare ones do see and know. Hold onto them, hold onto their looking at you, deep into you, and saying, "You are amazing, truly. I know it is beyond explaining what you are facing each day - it is not for nothing. It is not wasted." You know these people are in the same realm as you that not many others are. Few exist in this plain because most exit without ever knowing if they would have made it.
You will make it. Take each moment just as a moment. Breathe into bravery.
Love, Me - The One Who Wrote This
- RKD
06-09-22