People who have never experienced major trauma or PTSD have no right on what to say on how someone deals with it or how they should be..."How do you get rid of this, how do you get past it, you need to be more positive, just do more therapy, try this 'medicine' AKA absolute psychotropic hell..." (I will literally die before any of that touches me again in this lifetime, and people will never understand that because almost no one goes through SEVERE adverse drug reactions to almost everything, literally, that puts you into the worst state of physical symptoms and pain in your body you ever have, like I went through for so long).
Fuck that. Yes I said the full f word because I can.
Really? Also, I have spent most of my life in therapy, faithfully showing up to every single appointment with many others no matter how awful I felt and I have actually been 'too positive' for a long time, and not letting myself feel or grieve everything which is literally a human necessity and part of the brain needed in order to heal.
Ever since this month hit, every single second I cannot rid my body of the pictures, sounds, feelings, and all the memories no matter how much I wish I could. So much happened at this time and I just cannot help it. I hate it. It was way more manageable until now, including the pain, because the physical pain is also way worse each year at this time.
Please take a minute to realize that I: have been physically, medically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abused for many years after not being able to be fully developed and born very prematurely, going through childhood trauma and disfunction when I should have had safety, severe anxiety disorders without knowing what it was, then having brain injury, severe, chronic blacking out immovable pain countless times for days to nights at a time, having severe rare adverse drug reactions after also being medically abused and over-drugged for years, being medically gaslit for years while I fought literally for my life and barely made it through to finally get not one, but multiple, severe, disabling, and rare diseases and conditions that are terrifying, poorly misunderstood, and nearly impossible to treat, yet again while still going through severe chronic pain and more trauma constantly.
How every single person decides to live with their illness and gets treatment is completely up to them. No one has any right on shoving their opinions about what they need or do not need or anything at all on another person and please realize this makes it a million times worse than it already is. You are not me, I am not you, and you are not going through everything I have and am going through in my body. I do not tell you how to deal with your issues and your body, stop telling me how to with mine after I have worked endlessly to already get to the point I am at. Please respect my healing, my decisions, and my autonomy after never being able to have that until now.
This is why I swear to the death I will be an advocate for people and every single condition because I never had that in my darkest moments when I needed it the most: I never want anyone else to suffer the way I have.
- RKD
10-28-24