The very last words I saw or heard from my Aunt who passed away from terminal ovarian cancer at age thirty-three were, "I thought of you when I wrote this..." She had sent me a link to an entry on her cancer journey about grief, grappling very much with what I am now. At the time, I did not understand and still could not connect to it, until now.
My close friend, the first one in my life in high school who truly loved God, also had last words for me before she passed away on my birthday less than a year after just getting to know her..."I love you, let's get together soon, I'll see you..." I will never forget what she was wearing as I embraced her in church and we waved goodbye, not knowing that soon she would suddenly be in a coma. Her hug was one of the most comforting ones I have had. I will never forget the first night we met serving at night in church, rocking babies to sleep, talking filled warmth, with light. I still remember some of what was said. I learned her favorite number was 7, and she passed away on the 17th. That night is one of the most sacred in my life.
I see females my age, some I grew up knowing, others I met over the last few years, all meeting the love of their lives, real Godly men who are not fakes with false promises, getting married, having babies, having another, starting families. I see their pictures and highlights and snapshots all nicely put together.
A girl gang is something I will never have. Most friends I were very close to who I truly thought were my forever friends have somehow separated or disappeared...except one, maybe two who have stayed so faithfully and lovingly, who also have or had debilitating chronic illness.
I have been betrayed by someone else I thought was a friend, reaching out, trying to set me up with a guy who was interested in me and wanting to date me, then actually falling for that guy herself and marrying him months later after completely ghosting me.
I was isolated and abused for several years, going through the worst emotional and mental pain I ever had from someone I loved and never understood why. I feared for my life and their life and still have PTSD from that time. That led me into the time at the end of 2019-2020 where I was in the darkest place of my life, starving to numb the pain to the point of nearly dying because that was easier to take than the face to face emotional and mental pain. I am still wounded in many places and it is taking years to come through that.
I am watching my parents and grandparents who I have gotten closer to more than ever before in life over the last couple years, struggling more with their health, or slowly dying. I cannot fathom that it is possible to lose them at any moment with the best parts of my life and soul bound to their own. I wish and ache that I only had more time with each one, and do not feel like it is real. I always looked forward to them being at my wedding one day, if not by now of course I had thought many years ago...but now am not sure if that will happen, not sure if I will even be able to fulfill a partnership and be the right person with my situation.
On top of this I have daily battled the other issues with mental health, now physical health, that have been severely debilitating and put me out for days, weeks, or months at a time, still with no answers and no real help from doctors.
I have lost my faith and relationship I had since three years old and growing up within the last two years. Church trauma I still need to work through is deeply painful and another huge betrayal of trust. I have not lost my faith in God completely, but I am not currently 'walking' with him. I tried and prayed and trusted for so long, yet I feel like it hit a dark wall that cannot be broken. It is stored deep within myself somewhere, closed off and sealed for right now, and I cannot nor do I want to access it.
I know there are different people for different seasons of life, and not all stay. Yet I wish that for once not everyone would come and pass through. Or attatch and then jab a knife in my back and turn around and head out like nothing ever happened. It hurts like hell. I wonder if maybe I really am meant to be alone. My dog and I, a couple family members...not too bad, right? I cannot even provide for myself or her, let alone trying to keep up caring for both of us, and trying to get help with being disabled and physically unable to work has been so difficult and immensely triggering, not to mention another huge fear that I have to fight and fight and fight for to try to survive eventually.
There is more I have not mentioned, but has happened.
I am coming to peace with these facts. I have so much fear and so much pain but I still want to love and be more at peace. Grieving is a lot...and grieving is okay and deeply needed.
I am so grateful for the support and resources I DO have at the moment. I am continuing each day, one day and one moment at a time. My mind is often foggy and frustrated, and this makes me more upset....yet I am grateful for days with less symptoms or pain, any sleep, laughter, family, a couple close friends who really get it, and the ability to do small things that really are huge things.
Maybe my time is soon, like my aunt, or my friend...that would honestly be a relief. Yet I know I could also live much longer. Either way, I just want peace, and the ache to stop hurting.
- RKD
09-18-23