THE GRIEF COMES NOW.
I LET IT FINALLY HAPPEN. I FEEL IT BREAK THROUGH MY CHEST AND ROLL DOWN MY FACE. I TURN AND TURN AND KEEP WAKING UP, UNABLE TO STOP IT ENVELOPING ME.
THE FLASHBACKS COME AND GO. I AM NOT ABLE TO CRY OFTEN BUT WHEN I CAN I LET IT HAPPEN AND THIS TYPE OF GRIEF IS OVERWHELMING.
GRIEF IS SO WEIRD TO ME: I HAVE BEEN STRONG, BEEN FIGHTING SINCE LITERALLY BEFORE I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE, TO KEEP GOING, TO NOT LET ANYTHING STOP ME.
YET THIS FEELS SO DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING I HAVE FELT BEFORE, AND IT DOES STOP ME. IT CUTS SO DEEP WHEN IT COMES. I WANT TO ESCAPE IT AND DROWN IT IN DISTRACTION COMPLETELY AND AT THE SAME TIME, GIVE IT ALL THE COMFORT AND LOVE IN THE WORLD THAT I CAN, BECAUSE I KNOW I NEED THAT.
I FEEL SO LOST IN HOW TO PROCESS IT ALL. MY THERAPIST SAYS I HAVE A LIFETIME OF TRAUMA IN MY BODY, AND IT IS SO TRUE: BUT IT HAS CONTINUED TO HIT ME HARD WITH NO BREAKS FOR YEARS UNTIL NOW, IN 2025: 28 YEARS LATER, AND I FINALLY STOP, I FINALLY CAN FEEL A TINY BIT OF THE TIP OF THE WRECKAGE THAT HAS BEEN BUILT UP AND CARVED ITSELF INTO EVERY SINGLE PART OF ME: EVERY VEIN, EVERY INCH OF SKIN, EVERY LINE OF AGE, EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART, EVERY SCAR LEFT ON ME.
I HAVE MY ARMOR AND MY ARMOR IS MY DEFENSE. MY ARMOUR IS DISSOCIATION, CONTINUING ON, TRYING NOT TO FEEL BECAUSE IF I FEEL, IT IS TOO MUCH. I HAVE TRIED TO START LETTING MYSELF FEEL IN TINY BITS, BUT STILL, IT OVERWHELMS ME WITH AN ACHE THAT FEELS BOTH HEAVY AND TRAUMATIZING - BECAUSE THE MEMORIES COME BACK, AND I HAVE TO FEEL IT TO LET IT RELEASE A LITTLE MORE EACH TIME.
WILL I EVER BE OKAY? I HAVE SEVERE PTSD FROM EVERYTHING: NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF IT AND I KNOW ONE ONLY CAN IF THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH ANYTHING I HAVE. I KNOW GOD CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT I ALSO KNOW I AM SCARRED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAT I AM HERE ON EARTH ALIVE. I AM TRYING TO TRUST HIM AGAIN, BUT IT STILL FEELS LIKE KNIVES IN MY CHEST AND ALL OVER MY BODY.
I AM NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN OR WHY. ALL I KNOW IS, KEEP TAKING IT ONE MOMENT AND ONE DAY AT A TIME: KEEP TRYING TO LET MYSELF REST, FEEL, AND DO ANYTHING THAT BRINGS ME COMFORT, PEACE, AND JOY IN THE MIDST OF IT.
I ALWAYS SEND LOVE TO OTHERS, BUT TODAY, I AM SENDING IT TO MYSELF.
I LOVE YOU B, AND IT IS OKAY TO REST, TO CRY, AND TO DO AND BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE NOW. YOU ARE FREE BABY.
- RKD
02-18-25